The Empty Chair Beside Us How an ordinary afternoon at McDonald's became a lesson in belonging.
By Farzana Zaman, MSW, RSW
I wasn't expecting to learn anything that afternoon.
My daughter and I had stopped at a McDonald's in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, for a quick coffee before continuing with our day. It wasn't remarkable in any way. The familiar hum of conversations filled the room. Coffee machines hissed. Children laughed. Someone shuffled a newspaper across a table. People came and went, each carrying on with their own lives.
Or so I thought. As I waited for our coffee, my eyes wandered around the restaurant. Three older adults were sitting alone. An elderly Pakistani gentleman quietly stirred his coffee.
Across the room sat a Jamaican woman, looking thoughtfully out the window. A few tables away, another older gentleman sat by himself. Three people. Three tables. Three separate stories. There was nothing unusual about it. We see scenes like this every day without giving them much thought. Then a man, perhaps in his forties, walked through the front door. He greeted the Pakistani gentleman warmly before walking over to the Jamaican woman. "I think you're sitting on ketchup," he said with a friendly smile. "Sometimes they don't clean the chairs very well."
She immediately stood up to check. There wasn't any ketchup. He smiled again. "Well... now that you're standing, why don't you come sit with us? What are you doing sitting all by yourself?" She laughed. Not an awkward laugh. Not a polite laugh.
A genuine one. She picked up her tray and walked over. The invitation had been accepted. The young man stepped away to order his coffee and apple pie, leaving two strangers sitting together.
"My name is Ali," the gentleman said. "I'm from Pakistan."
"I'm Alice," she replied. "I'm from Jamaica."
Within minutes, they were exchanging stories as though they had known each other for years. Alice spoke about losing both of her parents as a little girl before immigrating to Canada more than sixty years ago. Ali listened, not waiting for his turn to speak, but truly listening. Then Alice casually mentioned that she had sixteen brothers and sisters. Ali's eyes grew wide. "Sixteen?" She nodded. He laughed. "Your poor mother!"
The table erupted in laughter.
A few moments later, the young man returned with his coffee. Without fanfare, he simply joined them.
No one else in the restaurant seemed to notice anything extraordinary had happened. But I did.
Because what I had just witnessed wasn't really about coffee. It wasn't about ketchup. It wasn't even about three strangers sharing a table.
It was about belonging.
As I sat there, I found myself thinking about the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Their attachment theory reminds us that from the very beginning of life, we are wired for connection.
Before we ever learn to speak, our nervous systems search for safety in another person's face, voice, touch, and presence. We are born not only to survive, but to belong. Whether we are seventeen or seventy, students or retirees, newcomers or lifelong Canadians, something inside us continues to ask the same quiet questions:
- Do I matter?
- Will someone notice me?
- Is there a place for me here?
That afternoon, the answer came in the form of an empty chair.
Belonging Is a Human Need
As a psychotherapist, I spend much of my time listening to stories that never make the evening news.
Stories of people who feel invisible.
Students who walk across busy campuses feeling profoundly alone.
Newcomers trying to build a life in a country that still feels unfamiliar.
Couples sharing a home but feeling miles apart emotionally.
Parents quietly wondering whether anyone notices how exhausted they are.
Older adults whose worlds have slowly become smaller as friends pass away, children move away, and neighbourhoods change.
Although each story is unique, I often hear the same longing beneath them all.
People are not simply lonely because they are alone. They are lonely because they no longer feel seen.
Many carry experiences of trauma, grief, discrimination, migration, relationship loss, or chronic stress. Over time, these experiences can convince us that it is safer to withdraw than to risk being hurt again. Yet healing rarely happens in isolation. Healing happens in relationships.
Dr. Stan Tatkin reminds us that safe relationships help regulate our nervous systems. We become calmer, stronger, and more resilient when someone is emotionally present with us. We were never meant to carry life's burdens entirely on our own.
Brene Brown captures this beautifully when she writes: "Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives."
That afternoon in McDonald's, I watched those words come alive.
No one at that table was trying to fix anyone. No one offered advice.
No one tried to solve another person's problems.
One person simply noticed that someone was sitting alone and made room. Perhaps healing begins more often than we realize, not through extraordinary acts, but through ordinary moments of kindness, curiosity, and human connection.
Brené Brown also reminds us, "True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are."
Ali did not become less Pakistani.
Alice did not become less Jamaican.
Their cultures, histories, and identities remained beautifully their own. What changed was that those differences became secondary to their shared humanity.
As Maya Angelou so wisely wrote, "We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike."
At BelongSpace Counselling, this belief shapes everything I do. Beneath anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, relationship challenges, and life's many transitions often lies a quieter longing: the desire to know that we matter, that we are seen, and that we belong.
I often think about that afternoon.
The coffee is long gone.
I don't know whether Ali and Alice ever met again.
Perhaps they did.
Perhaps they didn't.
But for one ordinary afternoon, a stranger noticed an empty chair and quietly changed the emotional landscape of a room.
It reminds me that we don't always need extraordinary gestures to change someone's day—or perhaps even their life.
Sometimes all it takes is the courage to notice.
To make room.
To pull up a chair.
And, with warmth and genuine curiosity, simply say, "Come. Sit with me."
Because sometimes the most powerful form of healing begins with the simple experience of knowing: There is room for you here.
About BelongSpace Counselling
At BelongSpace Counselling, I believe that everyone deserves to feel seen, valued, and connected. I provide compassionate, culturally responsive, trauma-informed counselling for individuals and relationships navigating anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, relationship challenges, identity exploration, life transitions, and the complexities of belonging.
Website: https://belongspace.ca © 2026 Farzana Zaman, MSW, RSW • BelongSpace Counselling
Pride, Belonging, and the Courage to Be Ourselves
By Farzana Zaman, MSW, RSW
There are moments in life when we realize that every human being is asking the same quiet question:
"Is there a place where I truly belong?"
As a psychotherapist, social worker, educator, immigrant, and parent, I have had the privilege of walking alongside people from many different cultures, identities, and life experiences. Over the years, I have learned that healing rarely begins with advice or solutions. It begins with being seen. Being heard. Being welcomed without needing to defend, explain, or minimize who you are.
For many people within 2SLGBTQIA+, transgender, and gender-diverse communities, that experience of belonging has not always come easily.
Pride Month is often recognized through colourful parades, rainbow flags, and celebrations. These joyful moments matter. They remind us that authenticity deserves celebration. Yet Pride is also rooted in resistance, advocacy, and the unwavering belief that every person deserves dignity, safety, and equal rights.
Canada has made meaningful progress over the past several decades. Legal recognition of same-sex marriage, protections for sexual orientation, gender identity and gender expression, and the continued expansion of informed consent models for gender-affirming care represent important milestones. Informed consent recognizes that transgender and gender-diverse people are the experts on their own lives. These approaches honour autonomy, reduce unnecessary barriers to care, and affirm that every person deserves respectful, evidence-informed healthcare. These achievements deserve recognition. Yet legal progress does not always translate into lived safety.
At the same time, many people continue to experience discrimination, family rejection, racism, transphobia, homophobia, poverty, and barriers to affirming healthcare and mental health services. Laws can change more quickly than hearts, communities, or institutions. The work of creating belonging continues every day.
Throughout my own life, I have come to appreciate that none of us carries only one identity. We live at the intersection of many stories. We may be immigrants, parents, students, professionals, people of colour, people of faith, people living with disability or chronic illness, neurodivergent individuals, or members of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. These identities shape how we move through the world, how we experience privilege and oppression, and how we make meaning of our lives.
Intersectionality is not simply a theory. It is the lived reality of our clients.
For psychotherapists, social workers, and other helping professionals, affirming practice requires more than good intentions. It asks us to remain lifelong learners. We have an ethical responsibility to continue our education, seek clinical supervision, examine our own assumptions and biases, and understand the historical and systemic realities that continue to influence our clients' lives. Displaying a rainbow flag or including pronouns in an email signature is meaningful, but genuine affirmation is demonstrated through our knowledge, humility, curiosity, and willingness to listen.
One of the greatest gifts we can offer another person is psychological safety, the experience of knowing that their story will be met with compassion rather than judgment.
For those who identify as 2SLGBTQIA+, transgender, or gender diverse, I hope Pride is also a reminder to care for yourself with the same kindness you so often extend to others. Healing happens in many ways: through chosen family, friendships, community, creativity, advocacy, healthy relationships, rest, laughter, and self-compassion. Therapy is not about changing who you are. It is about creating space to understand yourself more deeply, strengthen your relationships, navigate life's challenges, and reconnect with your own wisdom.
At BelongSpace Counselling, the word belong is intentional.
It reflects my belief that every person deserves a place where they can arrive exactly as they are. A place to pause. To land safely. To bring the parts of themselves that may have been hidden, questioned, or misunderstood. Together, we explore life's struggles, strengthen emotional resilience, deepen relationships, and cultivate the skills needed to live with greater authenticity and connection.
Pride reminds us that belonging is not something we must earn.
It is something every human being deserves.
May we continue building communities where diversity is welcomed, where gender and sexual diversity are understood with curiosity and respect, where relationships are nurtured with care, and where every person has the freedom to live openly and authentically.
Because when people experience belonging, they do more than survive.
They flourish.
Website: https://belongspace.ca © 2026 Farzana Zaman, MSW, RSW • BelongSpace Counselling
More Than Sex: Reclaiming Emotional, Spiritual, and Sexual Intimacy in Relationships
By Farzana Zman, MSW, RSW
One of the most common statements I hear from couples and partners is:
"We love each other... but we don't feel close anymore."
Sometimes the words are different.
"We feel like roommates."
"We communicate about everything except sex."
"I don't know how to tell my partner what I need."
"We're afraid talking about sex will make things worse."
As a couples and relationship therapist, I have learned that these conversations are rarely just about sex. More often, they are about connection, vulnerability, attachment, trust, identity, safety, and the longing to be fully known by the person we love.
For many couples, silence becomes the greatest barrier. Conversations about sexual intimacy often carry shame, fear of rejection, embarrassment, cultural expectations, religious beliefs, trauma histories, or assumptions that "good relationships shouldn't have to talk about sex." Over time, avoiding these conversations can create emotional distance, misunderstanding, resentment, and loneliness, even in relationships where love remains deeply present.
Sex Is About More Than Sexual Functioning
One of the greatest gifts in my professional journey has been completing advanced training in Assessing and Treating Sex Issues in Psychotherapy with internationally recognized sex therapist Martha Kauppi, LMFT, CST-S.
Her integrative sex therapy model reminds us that healthy sexuality is not measured by frequency, performance, or whether a couple's relationship looks like anyone else's. Rather, sexual wellness is influenced by our entire life experience and our capacity to be emotionally present with ourselves and our partners. Sexual intimacy is shaped by many interconnected factors, including:
- Attachment experiences and relationship history
- Stress, parenting, caregiving, and life transitions
- Trauma and adverse experiences
- Culture, religion, and family messages about sexuality
- Gender identity, sexual orientation, and intersecting identities
- Medical conditions, medications, aging, and hormonal changes
- Desire differences between partners
- Emotional safety, communication, and vulnerability
None of these experiences mean a relationship is failing. Instead, they invite curiosity, compassion, understanding, and meaningful conversation.
A Story That Reflects Many Couples
The following is a composite story, inspired by themes that arise in relationship therapy. It does not describe any one individual or couple. A couple arrived in therapy after many years together. They genuinely loved one another. They had built careers, raised children, cared for aging parents, navigated illness, and weathered countless life transitions. From the outside, everything appeared stable. Yet privately, they felt profoundly disconnected. One partner worried that initiating physical intimacy would lead to rejection. The other longed for emotional closeness before feeling any desire for sexual intimacy. Each quietly believed they were disappointing the other. Neither was wrong. Neither had stopped loving. They had simply become caught in a cycle that neither fully understood. Together, we slowed the conversation.
During the session, instead of asking, "How do we improve our sex life?", we explored different questions:
- "What does intimacy mean to you?"
- "When do you feel emotionally safest with your partner?"
- "What messages did your family, culture, or faith teach you about sex?"
- "How has stress, trauma, caregiving, aging, illness, or identity influenced your relationship with intimacy?"
- "How do you experience desire differently from one another?"
Gradually, something beautiful began to emerge. Partners became curious instead of defensive. Listening replaced assumptions. Small moments of affection returned. Holding hands became meaningful again. Laughter resurfaced. Touch no longer felt pressured or obligatory. It became an expression of emotional safety and connection. Their sexual relationship improved not because someone learned a technique or because there was a prescribed number of intimate encounters.
It improved because they rediscovered one another.
Emotional, Spiritual, and Sexual Intimacy.
One of the greatest misconceptions about intimacy is that it begins in the bedroom. In reality, intimacy often begins in everyday moments:
- "I noticed you looked tired today."
- "Thank you."
- "I'm sorry."
- "I appreciate you."
- "Tell me more."
- "Help me understand your experience."
These moments create emotional safety, and emotional safety often creates the conditions for deeper physical intimacy.
Healthy relationships also nurture spiritual intimacy.
This is not necessarily about religion. Rather, it is about sharing values, purpose, hope, meaning, compassion, gratitude, and a vision for the life you are creating together. Feeling emotionally and spiritually connected often strengthens a couple's ability to navigate challenges, repair conflict, and experience closeness.
Sexual intimacy becomes one beautiful expression of this broader relational connection, not the only measure of it.
How Relationship Therapy Can Help
At BelongSpace Counselling, relationship therapy provides a compassionate, inclusive, and affirming space where couples and partners can slow down and become curious about one another again.
Together we may explore:
- Communication patterns and recurring conflict
- Emotional connection and attachment needs
- Trust, vulnerability, and repair after relational injuries
- Desire differences and conversations about intimacy
- Sexual concerns, pleasure, boundaries, consent, and communication
- The impact of trauma, stress, parenting, caregiving, and health changes
- Cultural, spiritual, and family influences on relationships
- Identity exploration, including 2SLGBTQIA+ experiences and diverse relationship structures
- Building resilience, friendship, affection, and shared meaning
My work integrates attachment-based couple therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Developmental approaches to couples therapy, trauma-informed practice, and the knowledge gained through Martha Kauppi's integrative sex therapy model. I also strive to create a culturally responsive, anti-oppressive, sex-positive, and affirming therapeutic environment where every partner feels respected and heard.
You Don't Have to Navigate These Conversations Alone
Many couples tell me they have never had a safe place to talk openly about sex.
- Perhaps they worry about hurting one another.
- Perhaps they fear judgment.
- Perhaps they simply don't know where to begin.
- Relationship therapy offers an opportunity to begin those conversations with curiosity rather than criticism, compassion rather than shame, and hope rather than fear.
Healthy intimacy is not about perfection.
It is not about always wanting the same things. It is not about never experiencing conflict.
Healthy intimacy grows through openness, courage, vulnerability, repair, and the willingness to continue learning about myself, the partner(s) we love and about us (our relationship as a system).
At BelongSpace Counselling, I believe every couple and every relationship has the capacity to grow. Whether you are navigating conflict, rebuilding trust, reconnecting emotionally, exploring sexuality, or simply longing to feel closer again, therapy can provide a safe place to pause, reflect, and reconnect. Because every relationship deserves the opportunity to experience deeper emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection.
BelongSpace Counselling is committed to providing relationship therapy that is trauma-informed, culturally responsive, anti-oppressive, and affirming of 2SLGBTQIA+ communities, diverse relationship structures, and people from all walks of life. Sometimes healing begins with one courageous conversation.
Perhaps that conversation starts today.
Website: https://belongspace.ca © 2026 Farzana Zaman, MSW, RSW • BelongSpace Counselling
