Doing Relationship Between Cultures: A Story About Love, Loyalty, and Finding "Us" July 12, 2026
By Farzana Zaman, MSW, RSW
When Aisha and Rahim (not their real names) first came to see me, they told me they were arguing about a wedding.
Or at least, that is what they thought they were arguing about.
o The guest lists.
o The venue.
o Whether they would spend Eid with one family or the other.
o Whether they would live close to Rahim's parents after marriage.
Each conversation ended the same way: one of them would shut down, the other would become frustrated, and both would leave feeling misunderstood.
As we slowed the conversation down, it became clear that the wedding was not really the problem.
They were trying to build a relationship between two cultures, two generations, and two very different understandings of what it means to love your family. Both Aisha and Rahim were born and raised in Canada. They had attended Canadian schools, built successful careers, and valued equality, emotional openness, and decision-making together.
Yet they were also raised in South Asian immigrant families where love often looked different.
Love meant sacrifice. Respect meant listening to elders. Family decisions were rarely individual decisions. Marriage was not simply the joining of two people, it was the joining of two families, histories, and communities.
Neither perspective was wrong. They were simply different.
One evening, Aisha asked Rahim if they could spend their first anniversary away together.
Rahim immediately replied, "My parents will expect us to have dinner with them." Aisha heard: "Our marriage comes second."
Rahim heard: "If I disappoint my parents, I'm failing as a son."
Neither of them intended to hurt the other. Both were protecting something deeply important.
This is something I see often in my work with South Asian individuals and couples.
Many adult children of immigrant families find themselves living between two worlds. They have embraced Canadian ideas about independence, partnership, and emotional intimacy while remaining deeply connected to cultural values of family loyalty, collective identity, and respect for elders.
Psychologists describe this as an acculturation gap, the difference in how family members adapt to a new culture over time (Birman, 2006; Telzer, 2010). Parents often hold tightly to traditions that have helped preserve identity after migration, while their children develop values shaped by both cultures.
When relationships become serious, these differences often surface, not because anyone is doing something wrong, but because two cultural maps are trying to guide the same relationship.
One of the ideas I often introduce comes from The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy by Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson. The model reminds us that healthy relationships are not built by avoiding differences, they grow through learning to navigate them.
One important developmental task is differentiation: developing the ability to stay emotionally connected while also having your own thoughts, values, and voice. It is not about choosing your partner over your parents or abandoning your culture. It is about becoming a more grounded version of yourself within all your relationships.
For many people raised in collectivist families, this can feel incredibly difficult. Saying, "I'd like to do something different," can feel like saying, "I don't love my family anymore." Setting a boundary can feel like disrespect. Choosing your partner can feel like betraying your parents.
Attachment Theory also offers another helpful lens. Underneath disagreements about weddings, holidays, finances, or in-laws are often deeper questions:
o "Will you choose us?"
o "Will I always come second?"
o "Can I disappoint my parents without losing them?"
o "Can I belong to both my family and my partner?"
When couples recognize these vulnerable questions beneath the conflict, conversations shift from defending positions to understanding each other's fears and longings.
At BelongSpace, I invite couples to become curious.
What messages did each of you learn about love? About being a "good daughter" or a "good son"? What does respect mean in your family? How is conflict handled? What does independence represent?
These conversations reveal that many recurring conflicts are inherited relationship templates rather than personal failings. Once we recognize those templates, we gain the freedom to choose how we want our relationship to grow.
One of the most meaningful moments in therapy came when Rahim quietly said, "I've spent my whole life trying not to disappoint anyone. I don't know how to be a husband without feeling like I'm becoming a bad son."
Aisha reached over and held his hand.
For the first time, she was not arguing with him. She understood what he had been carrying.
That moment did not solve every challenge with extended family, but it transformed how they faced those challenges. Instead of standing on opposite sides of the conflict, they began standing beside one another.
Relationships across cultures ask us to honour where we come from while thoughtfully choosing where we are going.
This is not about rejecting tradition or embracing Western ideals unquestioningly. It is about creating a relationship that reflects your shared values while maintaining compassion for the families and cultures that shaped you.
If you and your partner find yourselves caught between family expectations, cultural values, and your hopes for the future, know that you are not alone.
You are learning how to build a partnership that can hold both love and loyalty, both heritage and growth.
And that is some of the most meaningful relationship work we can do.
References
Bader, E., & Pearson, P. T. (1988). In quest of the mythical mate: A developmental approach to diagnosis and treatment in couples therapy. Brunner/Mazel.
Birman, D. (2006). Measurement of the acculturation gap in immigrant families and implications for parent–child relationships. In M. H. Bornstein & L. R. Cote (Eds.), Acculturation and parent–child relationships: Measurement and development (pp. 113–134). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Telzer, E. H. (2010). Expanding the acculturation gap-distress model: An integrative review of research. Human Development, 53(6), 313–340. https://doi.org/10.1159/000322476
About BelongSpace Counselling
At BelongSpace Counselling, I provide culturally responsive, attachment-informed relationship therapy for individuals and couples navigating South Asian immigrant family dynamics, intercultural relationships, and the complex work of building connection across generations and cultures.
Website: https://belongspace.ca © 2026 Farzana Zaman, MSW, RSW • BelongSpace Counselling
When Aisha and Rahim (not their real names) first came to see me, they told me they were arguing about a wedding.
Or at least, that is what they thought they were arguing about.
o The guest lists.
o The venue.
o Whether they would spend Eid with one family or the other.
o Whether they would live close to Rahim's parents after marriage.
Each conversation ended the same way: one of them would shut down, the other would become frustrated, and both would leave feeling misunderstood.
As we slowed the conversation down, it became clear that the wedding was not really the problem.
They were trying to build a relationship between two cultures, two generations, and two very different understandings of what it means to love your family. Both Aisha and Rahim were born and raised in Canada. They had attended Canadian schools, built successful careers, and valued equality, emotional openness, and decision-making together.
Yet they were also raised in South Asian immigrant families where love often looked different.
Love meant sacrifice. Respect meant listening to elders. Family decisions were rarely individual decisions. Marriage was not simply the joining of two people, it was the joining of two families, histories, and communities.
Neither perspective was wrong. They were simply different.
One evening, Aisha asked Rahim if they could spend their first anniversary away together.
Rahim immediately replied, "My parents will expect us to have dinner with them." Aisha heard: "Our marriage comes second."
Rahim heard: "If I disappoint my parents, I'm failing as a son."
Neither of them intended to hurt the other. Both were protecting something deeply important.
This is something I see often in my work with South Asian individuals and couples.
Many adult children of immigrant families find themselves living between two worlds. They have embraced Canadian ideas about independence, partnership, and emotional intimacy while remaining deeply connected to cultural values of family loyalty, collective identity, and respect for elders.
Psychologists describe this as an acculturation gap, the difference in how family members adapt to a new culture over time (Birman, 2006; Telzer, 2010). Parents often hold tightly to traditions that have helped preserve identity after migration, while their children develop values shaped by both cultures.
When relationships become serious, these differences often surface, not because anyone is doing something wrong, but because two cultural maps are trying to guide the same relationship.
One of the ideas I often introduce comes from The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy by Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson. The model reminds us that healthy relationships are not built by avoiding differences, they grow through learning to navigate them.
One important developmental task is differentiation: developing the ability to stay emotionally connected while also having your own thoughts, values, and voice. It is not about choosing your partner over your parents or abandoning your culture. It is about becoming a more grounded version of yourself within all your relationships.
For many people raised in collectivist families, this can feel incredibly difficult. Saying, "I'd like to do something different," can feel like saying, "I don't love my family anymore." Setting a boundary can feel like disrespect. Choosing your partner can feel like betraying your parents.
Attachment Theory also offers another helpful lens. Underneath disagreements about weddings, holidays, finances, or in-laws are often deeper questions:
o "Will you choose us?"
o "Will I always come second?"
o "Can I disappoint my parents without losing them?"
o "Can I belong to both my family and my partner?"
When couples recognize these vulnerable questions beneath the conflict, conversations shift from defending positions to understanding each other's fears and longings.
At BelongSpace, I invite couples to become curious.
What messages did each of you learn about love? About being a "good daughter" or a "good son"? What does respect mean in your family? How is conflict handled? What does independence represent?
These conversations reveal that many recurring conflicts are inherited relationship templates rather than personal failings. Once we recognize those templates, we gain the freedom to choose how we want our relationship to grow.
One of the most meaningful moments in therapy came when Rahim quietly said, "I've spent my whole life trying not to disappoint anyone. I don't know how to be a husband without feeling like I'm becoming a bad son."
Aisha reached over and held his hand.
For the first time, she was not arguing with him. She understood what he had been carrying.
That moment did not solve every challenge with extended family, but it transformed how they faced those challenges. Instead of standing on opposite sides of the conflict, they began standing beside one another.
Relationships across cultures ask us to honour where we come from while thoughtfully choosing where we are going.
This is not about rejecting tradition or embracing Western ideals unquestioningly. It is about creating a relationship that reflects your shared values while maintaining compassion for the families and cultures that shaped you.
If you and your partner find yourselves caught between family expectations, cultural values, and your hopes for the future, know that you are not alone.
You are learning how to build a partnership that can hold both love and loyalty, both heritage and growth.
And that is some of the most meaningful relationship work we can do.
References
Bader, E., & Pearson, P. T. (1988). In quest of the mythical mate: A developmental approach to diagnosis and treatment in couples therapy. Brunner/Mazel.
Birman, D. (2006). Measurement of the acculturation gap in immigrant families and implications for parent–child relationships. In M. H. Bornstein & L. R. Cote (Eds.), Acculturation and parent–child relationships: Measurement and development (pp. 113–134). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Telzer, E. H. (2010). Expanding the acculturation gap-distress model: An integrative review of research. Human Development, 53(6), 313–340. https://doi.org/10.1159/000322476
About BelongSpace Counselling
At BelongSpace Counselling, I provide culturally responsive, attachment-informed relationship therapy for individuals and couples navigating South Asian immigrant family dynamics, intercultural relationships, and the complex work of building connection across generations and cultures.
Website: https://belongspace.ca © 2026 Farzana Zaman, MSW, RSW • BelongSpace Counselling
